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Sunday, September 12, 2010

What comes next??

This has absolutely nothing to do with education.  I am just having a hard time right now and need to vent somehow.  I just had to once again watch my husband leave to go 400 miles away.  Something I guess I should be used to by now.  I hate it when he gets to come home and then has to leave again.  This job was- and is- a blessing but it is so hard to be away from him.  I know tonight I will be up all night because I won't be able to make myself go to bed alone.  I keep telling myself at least he is not overseas in the military but that doesn't help much.  I never thought I would be the wife of a man who has to be away all the time.  I am not exaggerating, he is gone unless the government gets tired of paying for their hotels and per diem or if a hurricane is threatening to hit the gulf.  I know this is the best job for him and of course the money is good too but I wanted a family.  Maggie needs her daddy and I need my husband.  I hope he can be moved back to Memphis somehow.

I know something good is meant to come out of all of this but it is so hard to wait on it.  In 2008 (I think maybe 2007) Justin was laid off, we were living off teacher salary and unemployment.  I just so happened to get called on for jury duty and sat on a jury with a man that worked for the Corps.  We were talking one day and I told him my husband was a heavy equipment operator and was currently taking college classes and just did a research paper on the Corps.  Well two days later this man came into the jury room with a email he had gotten that said an equipment engineer job was opening up.  He gave me the info and explained exactly how to put in an app. for the job and I went home and did it for Justin.  (he didn't believe me)  It took a while but we finally got some calls and found out he got the job.  This was a blessing.  We never would have known about this if I hadn't been put on that jury with Mr. Newman that week in January.  God had this in his plan.  But this is the tricky part, I want to know what comes next.  I need to know what comes next.  Surely God doesn't want us to live our lives married but separate!!??!!  God has to have put this desire in me for a large family but how can that happen with my husband four hundred miles away and me only getting older.  I just don't understand and I guess Im not supposed too.  but it eats away at me.  I can't help but get teary eyed when I see a happy pregnant couple.  I feel like I am going through this alone.  I know other women have had to be on their own but I don't know any.  Just know that if you have your husband and family are together every night that you are lucky.  I always thought money would make everything better we have gone from having to worry about how much we spent on groceries to buying $400 sunglasses :)  The money is nice but family is better.

I am ready for a baby, but i do not want to  be here pregnant by myself, I've done that once already, and why would he want to have a baby just to know he will have to leave again and not get to see him or her for weeks.  But I know if he quits this job there is nothing that can compare here, if he were to quit we wouldn't be able to afford a baby.  Our goal since Maggie was born has been to not have another until I could stay at home.  This is the only job where he can make enough money for that to be possible.  I am so torn and don't know what to do.  For the time being I am trying to pass the time making myself happy by spending money, buying nice things, but I know Tiffany & Co.  will only make me happy for a little while.  I would like to have a cat, I think a cat would help to fill the void that I am feeling, but Justin says no pets.  He doesn't understand.  To make matters worse, I think that Maggie blames me or is mad at me somehow, when he has to leave.  I know that when he is here she will do anything to make him mad at me, I guess so that he will give her all of his attention.  For example, before he got here Friday evening, I took Maggie to CICI's pizza to see my family.  I told her before we left we were only having salads and not to fill up b/c I was cooking a big dinner for Daddy.  Well when he got home and I put dinner on the table she told him she wasn't hungry b/c she just had pizza, which was a total lie.  She somehow blames his absence on me or resents me for it or something I can't quite figure it out.

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