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Thursday, September 11, 2014

Peanuts story

I should be 10 weeks pregnant, almost through the 'danger zone' and into the second trimester.  Two weeks ago I had my first prenatal visit.  I loved the doctor I had chosen , I loves the nurses , I couldn't wait to get to know them better.  At the end of the visit the doc said let's go get an ultrasound before you leave.  I stopped and asked if insurance covered that he answered probably not but I like to do an early one to make sure everything is ok.  So I went with my husband to the ultrasound room.  The tech began rubbing my belly and pushing buttons on her machine. After a few minutes she said she was going to get the doctor and they were going to try a vaginal ultrasound to get a better look.  They both came back a few minutes later.  I immediately suspected something was wrong. My fears confirmed when the doctor took a look at the baby.  We had already determined I should be 8 weeks along. Peanut was only measuring 6 weeks.  The doctor explained it could be due to late ovulation, a slow developing baby, or a sign of miscarriage.  I left with my husband devastated.  I didn't get off the couch for 3 days except to go to work where I had to frequently step out of the classroom so my students didn't see me cry.  My husband left that prenatal appointment with a different view that everything was going to be ok Peanut was just taking his or her time.  After having friends pray with and for me I decided everything was ok. I came out of my funk and began to convince myself for 11 days that everything was fine and that I had a happy healthy growing baby inside.  We had a follow up ultrasound yesterday. I could tell as soon as the screen came on that nothing had changed that Peanut had not grown. I didn't need anyone to tell me what was going on  I knew.  The ultrasound tech got up from her seat without saying a word and left. The doctor proceeded to explain that 1 in 8 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage. And that means that if you get pregnant twice you have a 25% chance of miscarriage and that if you get pregnant 4 times you have a 50% chance. At this point I wanted to scream. I'm a math teacher I don't need statistics explained to me!!  He continued to say most women's will miscarry before they even know they are pregnant. I wanted argue and tell him they are the lucky ones instead I just cried.  I
 I knew for 10 weeks I was pregnant.  For ten weeks  I  dealt with nausea, headaches and being so tired some days I didn't think I would make the 30 minute drive home from work. 10 weeks discussing names and nursery logistics with my husband.  10 weeks dreaming of holding a baby boy or girl in my arms in April.  We had decided I would breast feed and to add salt to the wound yesterday morning before I left for the doctor I was researching cloth diapering.  I spent 10 weeks wondering if the roosters would keep a baby awake at night and picturing a tiny arm reaching through the gate to pet Hank the donkey, picturing a toddler pulling my precious kitty cats tail and hearing a little giggle at tWillie the goats antics.  All of these dreams seemingly ripped away in just a few short seconds.
I know this isn't the ms we can try again. But after years of longing for a baby this seems so cruel. It hurts even though many may say at least it is early on this was still our baby, our Peanut.

#miscarriage #devastated #heartbroken