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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Never even crossed our minds

I lost a best friend this past week in a car crash on Austin Peay hwy.  I will never forget the phone call at 10:00 Monday night.  When I was first told what happened I couldn't respond I thought what a horrible thing to say thats not true, then it hit me their not lying.  I felt like I had been punched in the stomach i couldn't breath and my arms and legs went numb, I really believe my heart stopped beating for a few seconds.  Then I broke down.  I was asked to contact another friend and she and I sat on the phone and cried and wondered how this could have happened.   Of course that night I didn't get a single wink of sleep and was a walking zombie at work the next day.  By wednesday I had had so little sleep I could not even speak a coherent sentence.

Thursday was the funeral this was another very hard day.  I just wanted to see her one last time.  I wanted to touch her hand and give her hug one more time.   This simply could not happen at the closed casket ceremony.  The last time this friend and I actually saw each other was not in the best situation.  We had since talked things out but had never made time to get together.  I regret this the most.  She sent me a text on Friday but b/c I was at work I didn't respond by that afternoon I found out my husband was coming home for the weekend (from working in NOLA) and was rushing about buying groceries and cleaning.  I made excuses, I was "too busy" to text a dear friend and now I will never get those few minutes back.   I also regret throwing away a birthday card she gave me.  I am known for throwing stuff away but she told me don't throw this card away keep it to remember that we were together on this birthday.  Of course I thought she was crazy and that we had plenty more birthdays to share together.  I wish I had listened.

Then on Sunday Allison and I decided to drive down Austin Peay to the crash site.  I was most unprepared for that.  I just thought it would be like any other spot on the side of the highway.  Boy was I in for a shocker.  The bumper of the little red Saturn was laying on the side of the road.  When I saw this Allison couldn't stop the car fast enough I was trying to open the door and get out while in tears thinking of her last moments.  The skid marks, the oil spill, the tire tracks in the mud were just too overwhelming and made it all so scary.   I don't think we said a whole lot on the way home that afternoon.  It was just all to surreal.

I have so many questions like why would God take her from her children who are so young?  Why did God bring her back into my life for such a short time?  Why did she not see the other car coming down the road?  I know I will probably never know the answers but they still come up every time I have a quiet moment.  I know that she is much happier now than she had been in a long time but that still does not make me miss her any less.  I never thought that 26 year olds really die.  It just doesn't seem real.  That kind of thing only happens in movies and books.

One thing that has helped the days go by, even though the last week has seemed to take forever, is remembering the good times.  I am so afraid that I will forget all of our precious memories.  We had so many 'inside jokes' I don't want to forget.  One of our favorite things used to be to drive around the National Cemetery on Jackson Ave.  going way too fast over the speed bumps.  It never crossed our minds that one of us might end up there one day.  Definitely not any time soon.  Also music there are a few songs that remind me of her.  The pictures are getting easier to look at now too, remembering the fun we were having when we took them.

It is different kind of hurt to lose a friend than to lose a grandparent.  I knew my grandmother was very ill and they told us that she only had a certain amount of time left.  I just assumed that my best friend would be here anytime I needed her.  No one is prepared to lose someone so young.  My mother told me this will probably be one of the hardest things I will ever go through in my lifetime.  All I could say is I hope she is right.

A few lessons to be learned from this are to never take your friends for granted.  They may not always be there.  Make sure they know how much you care about them so you don't have to wonder if they knew.  Don't be too busy to send a text or answer a phone call, at least answer and let them know your busy.  Make sure that you take plenty of pictures AND video to remember the good times you share together.  If for no other reason than because it will be fun to watch together when you are old ladies.

I feel like there is so much more to say I think I am normally a little better at putting things into words.  I don't know...